The 7 Secrets to Making Friends as an Adult

Introduction

In 1990, 3% of Americans said they had no close friends. By 2021, that number had gone up to almost 12%¹. We are in the middle of a loneliness crisis, which has only worsened since the pandemic. 

If you think that making new friends is tough, you’re not alone. And it’s not because you’re “awkward” or “uncool.” Making friends now is just more complicated than when we were kids. 

So if you’re seeking new connections, don’t lose hope. Making new friends as an adult may take some planning and courage, but you can do it! By taking intentional steps and embracing opportunities, you can build strong friendships that enrich your mental and physical health.

We’ll explore why it’s so much harder to make friends nowadays and we’ll give you some strategies and tips for creating new connections. 

Why it’s Hard to Make Friends as an Adult

First we need to understand why it’s hard to make new friends before we overcome those challenges:

1. Lack of Time

As adults, we juggle many different responsibilities, including work, family, relationships, children, and more. These responsibilities take up our time and leave less time to pursue new friendships. One study found that it takes 50 hours to form a casual friendship. Growing that friendship into a close friend took over 200 hours of spending time together². Also, a different survey found that people socialize with others an average of 39 minutes a day³. Putting it simply, it takes a very long time to form adult friendships. Our busy lives can make it hard to find enough time to build those friendships.

2. Different Life Stages

Adults all go through very different life stages throughout their lives. Some people are single or dating, while others are in committed relationships or even raising children. Other people are focused on demanding careers. Some are taking care of aging parents. It can be difficult to find people who are going through similar situations. And it’s important to, because they understand how those situations affect our schedules and the things we like to do. 

3. Loneliness & Fear of Rejection

Loneliness is a cycle. Lonely people are more likely to expect rejection and negative outcomes in social interactions. But adults tend to decide how much time they want to spend with a person depending on how likely they are to get rejected. So when we feel lonely, we often expect others won’t want to talk to us or connect with us. However, research has also shown that people are more likely to overestimate how likely they are to be rejected in social scenarios⁵. 

Tips For Making Friends as an Adult

We need to try different ways of making friends as an adult than we did when we were kids. By having the right attitude and using helpful strategies, we can increase our chances of making strong, meaningful friendships. 

1. Assume People Like You

Research suggests that strangers tend to like us more than we think they do⁶. It helps to remember that we are all adults in the same boat as you!  By assuming that others are open to friendship, we become warmer, friendlier, and more approachable. This makes it a lot easier to make friends. 

2. Regular Meetings Over Time

When you’re seeking out groups or communities that align with what you like to do, look for places that meet regularly instead of one-off events. There is a study that shows that merely having people see and interact with you more frequently, they are more likely to like you⁷. Embrace how uncomfortable it might be in the beginning. Engaging in regular meetings or activities over time allows relationships to form naturally. 

Once you make friends, set up regular, recurring meetings! This will encourage them to plan ahead and make time in their schedule for you. You also get to avoid trying to coordinate with each other’s schedules week after week. 

3. Open Body Language

Everyone’s been there. You’re feeling uncomfortable at a social event so you take out your phone and pretend to look busy. It’s natural to want to do this, but this makes you appear more closed off and people are less likely to approach you. Try to actively engage with others and appear as open and friendly as you can! 

4. Open Up

As we get older, it’s common to become more reserved and hesitant to share our true selves with new people. However, research suggests that we build close friendships by talking about our personal secrets, desires, and flaws⁸. Being careful is understandable, but true friendships require us to be open and genuine. Start small if necessary, sharing personal tidbits that provide a glimpse into your life without overwhelming yourself. 

Conclusion

Making friends as an adult can be hard, but it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. It’s because life gets busy and we have different responsibilities. But don’t worry, you can still make friends! By thinking positive and assuming people like you, meeting regularly with people who share your interests, being open and friendly, and being yourself, you can make meaningful friendships. It may take some time and courage, but it’s worth it. So don’t give up, keep trying, and you’ll find new friends who make your life happier. 

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References

1. Cox, D. A., Witt-Swanson, L., Orrell, B., & Bowman, K. (2022, April 7). The State of American Friendship: Change, challenges, and loss. The Survey Center on American Life. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/ 
2. Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518761225
3. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2018). Bureau of Labor Statistics 2017 Time Use Survey. https://www.bls.gov/tus/
4. Newall, N. E., Chipperfield, J. G., Clifton, R. A., Perry, R. P., Swift, A. U., & Ruthig, J. C. (2009). Causal beliefs, social participation, and loneliness among older adults: A longitudinal study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(2–3), 273–290. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509106718
5. Murray SL, Holmes JG, Collins NL. Optimizing assurance: the risk regulation system in relationships. Psychol Bull. 2006 Sep;132(5):641-66. doi: 10.1037/0033-2909.132.5.641. PMID: 16910746.
6. Liu, P. J., Rim, S., Min, L., & Min, K. E. (2022). The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000402
7. Zajonc, R. B. (1968). Attitudinal effects of mere exposure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 9(2), 1-27. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0025848
8. Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457-475. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.116.3.457